Letter To Myself

OK, so I'm a nerd and I TiVo The Oprah Show daily. I don't know what to tell you. I can't help it. I like the woman.

I was catching up on my Oprah episodes after work, waiting on the husband to get home from Albany. A few days ago, an episode aired about women who hate themselves and have low self-esteem. During the show, Oprah mentioned that in the April issue of "O" Magazine, there is an article where different celebrities shared what they would write if they could write a letter to their younger selves--back when they were kids, adolescents or teens. I haven't read the article, but I wondered what I would write to myself. I began to write. Here is my letter:

Dear Younger Me,

I know how much you hate being that tall girl with braces, but someday your teeth will be straight and you will almost never have to shorten any pants.

I know you feel awkward and tom-boyish and not as petite and feminine as other girls, but eventually you will have curves and strength and be proud as you run your first 5K and ski down your first black diamond slope in Colorado.

I know you wished your hair was lighter and your eyes were blue and that you could spray "Sun In" on your hair for highlights like the other girls, but one day you will be proud of your "brunetteness" and never want to be anything else.

I know you may not have a boyfriend now, but someday you will marry a man who will not only be your greatest love, but he will make you laugh, be your biggest fan and your greatest companion. (He also seems to be quite fond of your "brunetteness".)

Enjoy your childhood--it will go by too fast and you will grow up too soon. Keep riding your bike too fast, climbing trees, exploring life and dreaming big.

Make a big pile of leaves from those maple trees in the front of the house where the tire swing is and jump in them a few times for me. Have another helping of Mom's macaroni and beef casserole. Keep saying your prayers and brushing your teeth.

Oh, and one more thing...when that bratty girl teases you after you fall and scrape the right side of your face, don't let it upset you so much. Just smack her upside the head. Seriously, you're still young. It won't even go on your record, and you'll feel much better about it long-term.

Sincerely,

Adult Me

Theft and Butt Cracks

I have a friend who has had his car stolen twice since moving to Nashville from Texas. After the second theft, he bought another car. He recently traded it in for a third vehicle; a Kia Sportage.

Tonight, as he walked his groceries to his car, he noticed that his car was leaning--very severely--to one side. He walked around the car only to discover that someone had stolen TWO WHEELS from his vehicle. Not just tires. WHEELS. In broad daylight. In a Kroger parking lot. In less than 30 minutes.

My husband, (who my friend had originally called for help) is in Albany, NY for the evening. So, being the best backup rescue person that I could be, I picked him up and took him out for dinner and a drink to try to lift his spirits. He looked pretty downtrodden at the beginning of the evening, but by the end of dinner, the conversation had turned to Seinfeld, toe sensitivity and butt-cracks and I knew he was going to be okay.

So, if you have seen any suspicious people running through a parking lot today, with Kia wheels under their arms while shouting cries of victory--you may have witnessed the third (and hopefully final) vehicular violation that my poor friend has experienced.

Fellow Nashvillians: Be careful where you park...

Straws, Stingrays, Balance and Other Stuff

Tuesday's Thoughts:

• Did you ever notice that the width of McDonald's straws are larger than at other fast food establishments? Do find that you finish your soda faster at McDonald's than you would at Wendy's and does it upset you in any way?
  
• Do you ever wonder what seemingly small decisions that you make today will change the rest of your life? For instance, my parents let me choose between 2 high schools. If I hadn't made the choice that I did, I may never have met my husband. (We met our senior year.) Think about that as you decide what to order at Starbucks...it could CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
  
• Why is it that women who work together seem to all get on the same monthly schedule? Seriously--I've known this for a long time, and it still freaks me out a little.
  
• Did you ever have a potential opportunity come into your life out of nowhere--literally have it hunt you down--and even though you weren't looking for it, it is suddenly all you can think about--and you had no idea how bad you wanted it until then?
  
• Did you ever pet a stingray? I did last night and it reminded me very much of the feeling of a wet marshmallow. They are so cute and cool in the creepiest way. (Stingrays, not wet marshmallows.)
  
• Did you ever get dizzy walking by a giant aquarium? There is something very disorienting about walking while a fish swims along next to you. I think if the fish would have made a sudden move left or right, I would have fallen right over onto the floor.
  
• Do you find you are bothered more by what people do to your loved ones than what they do to you? I've discovered this about myself and my husband. If someone crosses him, he can let it go much easier than I can. He shrugs it off, where I tend to have fantasies about revenge. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.
  
• Last, but not least, do you ever write out checks in the evening, date them for the next day and wonder if you will actually live to see the next day or if you are somehow jinxing yourself by doing that?

Face Facts

I had heard of a website called myheritage.com where you can submit a photo and it will find your closest celebrity match based on bone structure, head shape, etc. I thought it sounded intriguing, so I gave it a try.

The first photo I submitted, matched me with this celebrity. The second photo I submitted, matched me with this celebrity. The third matched me with this celebrity again, so I suppose she is my closest match.

I then submitted a photo of my husband, and they matched him with this celebrity.

I'm not sure that I agree with any of it, but it is interesting.

Disregarding hair and eye color, what celebrity do you think your facial structure resembles most? Who does myheritage.com say you resemble most?

Japanese Roses, Passports and Zeppelin

Things are looking pretty positive today:

• My feet are perfectly polished (and apparently the color of a Japanese Rose Garden--at least according to the bottle). Does that mean I have Japanese Roses on my "toeses"? Sorry--had to ask...
  
• I received my passport in the mail yesterday, so I can now leave the country at a moment's notice whenever that situation should become necessary. I can almost hear the Mission Impossible theme music playing while I rush through airport security...
  
• I've discovered that I know at least 18 Led Zeppelin songs (I thought I only knew about two) and they are all now added to my iPod. I'm still not sure that I know what most of their songs are actually about, but I like them.

Eleven Steps of Foot Frustration

I am having a difficult time achieving good feet. This is why:

1. I buffed my heels and painted my toes Saturday night for Easter Sunday.
2. I decided the color pink that I used was too pale, so I painted a darker pink over top of the light pink.
3. I put on the clear top coat.
4. I let my toes dry and even took the extra step and used the hair dryer on my feet.
5. I moisturized my feet and put on socks.
6. Sunday morning, I took off the socks and discovered "sock marks" on my polish.
7. I applied another clear top coat to smooth it out.
8. I put on sandals and went to church and went out to lunch with family and friends.
9. I ate too much.
10. I came home and wanted to go for walk to burn a few extra calories, so I put on socks and walked 3 miles.
11. When I took off my socks, my toenail polish had sock marks--AGAIN! This time, there was actual "sock debris" stuck in the polish.

I give up. I am going to get a professional pedicure today. Don't worry, I don't plan to wear socks for the rest of the evening.

Do you think I need to give an explanation to the pedicure person as to why there are pieces of cotton stuck to my big toe?

Northern Feet

Growing up in the Northeast, my feet almost never saw the light of day this early in the season. Heck, no one would have even packed away their winter coats yet, just in case it snowed one more time.

Last night, I went to dinner with my husband and as we were leaving, I looked down at the feet of all the women walking into the restaurant around me. Every foot was perfectly exfoliated. All of the toes peeking out from beneath the jeans were perfectly polished. There was even the occasional toe ring making an appearance. I looked down at my own sock covered and black shoe covered feet and felt completely inadequate (so much for my having another "on" day). When I got home, I slathered moisturizer all over my feet, put on socks and went to bed.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and doggone it, my feet are going to be making an appearance at church! So if you hear the sounds of power sanders, drills and hammering coming from inside someone's house today, it might just be me--prepping my feet from a long, winter's hibernation.

On or Off?

I have so many days where I just feel "off". Maybe one of my dogs threw up on the carpet before I left the house. Maybe someone cut me off in traffic and my shock and defensive driving kept me from honking my horn in protest. Maybe the person in the car next to me just caught be singing. Maybe my roots are growing out or maybe I just did something that made me feel like a big dork.

I actually had an "on" day today. When someone had a question, I had the answer. Complements flowed in my direction several times. I engaged in witty conversation. I was even thanked for doing things.

I'm afraid to go to bed--will it all change tomorrow?

Boobie Trapped!

I think my bras might be starting to spontaneously self-destruct.

Just in the last few weeks, I've had the underwire poke its way out several of my bras. I try to play the game where I push the wire back in a few times, but then it just comes back with a vengeance (usually when I'm talking to my boss or a male co-worker). I've pulled the underwire out of at least 3 of my damaged bras (I might start saving them in case I need to pick a lock someday or want to use them as boomerangs) and I think the one I had on yesterday was on the verge of self-destruction too.

I don't think that I'm that hard on my underwear. It's not like I'm flinging my bras onstage at concerts and the bands are returning them to me damaged (actually, they just never really give them back). I also don't carry money around in them (the nickels were sticking to me and leaving impressions).

Do you think that if I lean to the side slightly that it might balance out my "lack of support" and people won't really notice that I'm lopsided?

Superpants!

I love jeans. I wear them whenever possible. My jeans span 3 sizes. I have faded ones that are shorter that I can wear with flat shoes (perfect to wear with flip flops in the summer). I have darker ones that are so long I can only wear them with my highest heels. I have one baggy pair that I wear when I roll out of bed unshowered on Saturday mornings to do chores. There's another pair that I generally squeeze into after the holidays.

My favorite is the one pair that is perfectly faded, and frayed at the edges just the right amount. They are the smallest of the 3 sizes and when I put them on and when they fit just right, I feel like I can go out and cure cancer or something. They are my "Superpants" and the only kryptonite that can stop them is if I eat one too many Doritos. My hope is that soon, very soon (with careful planning and exercise), I will be conquering evil in a single bound--all while wearing my favorite pair of Levi's!

Eye Poking, Meatloaf and Sharpies

A few things on my mind today:

• I accidentally poked my husband in the eye last night in bed and I feel bad about it.
  
• I bought and used one of the new hair glazes that are out there for brunettes and it made the palms of my hands brown for a day.
  
• I have a low-maintenance beauty regimen on weekdays--I let my hair dry naturally, wear long-wearing lipstick, wear combination foundation/moisturizer/sunscreen/anti-aging cream and have acrylic nails and I still have to drive to work like a bat out of hell--if I can just figure out a way to shave my legs in the car...
  
• I spent about 30 minutes in the grocery store yesterday trying to find the "perfect" breakfast bar that is low calorie, high fiber, low fat, high protein that contains calcium and I believe the Luna bar is truly the perfect breakfast bar--plus it tastes good and is only 3 Weight Watchers points!
  
• I like the way Sharpie permanent markers smell.
  
• I forgot how much I like Meatloaf's "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".
  

Six More Ticket Stubs!

I found more ticket stubs in my nightstand drawer! This is a continuation of my previous blog, Eleven Ticket Stubs. These stubs are even older:

• Elton John and Billy Joel, Gaylord Entertainment Center, Nashville, TN 4/21/01
• BonJovi, Philips Arena, Atlanta, GA 5/11/01
• The Black Crowes and Oasis, Blossom Music Center, Cleveland, OH 5/25/06
• BonJovi, First Union Center, Philadelphia, PA 3/7/03
• James Taylor, Montage Mountain, Scranton, PA 7/22/03
• Duran Duran, The Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa, Atlantic City, NJ 11/8/06

It's fun to look back--the ticket stubs tell a story of where I've been and what I've done.

My Mind Wanders While I Drive

On my way to work in the mornings, I drive past an elementary school with a traffic cop. The traffic cop is an older, skinny, black gentleman. He is very enthusiastic in his traffic direction. He swirls his arm around, almost as if he is throwing a lasso, before whipping his pointed finger in the direction that he wants the traffic to go. I sometimes imagine that he has an amazing life story that has led him to this animated career choice in this cute, suburban Tennessee neighborhood. I imagine the book would be a best-seller and that Hollywood would make it into a heartwarming movie. I think that Morgan Freeman would play him nicely.

Creepy Things Lurking in the Sink

I guess that in addition to spiders, I'm kind of creeped out by those really long, skinny, hairy, multi-legged bugs that run really fast. I don't know what they're called, but there was one of them in the bathroom sink tonight.

I went into the bathroom, and there it was, in all of its hairy, creepy ugliness.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Growing up, I could drape a python around my shoulders without giving it a second thought, but the thought of peeing in the bathroom with this thing lurking in the sink was too much to deal with.

I evaluated the situation. Husband is not home and probably will not be for at least an hour or two. I thought about turning on the water in the sink, but the bug was pretty far up. It would probably just get its feet wet, run like hell, get pissed off and then climb on my face in the night just to spite me.

I filled up one of those big measuring cups with water from the kitchen sink and then went back to the bathroom. After mustering up some courage, I dumped the water on the bug, while simultaneously turning on the faucet (all while making noises that were so unusually high-pitched, my dogs came running to investigate). The bug went down the drain for a moment. Then, it began to CRAWL BACK OUT OF THE DRAIN. I about died on the spot. I ran back to the kitchen for more water and poured it on the bug again and turned the faucet on even harder (all while still making strange, dog-intriguing noises). Water is splashing everywhere, dogs are freaking out, I have to pee and the running water isn't helping.

Finally, it went down the drain.

And I left the faucet running for 20 minutes straight.

And I don't really want to go back in that bathroom and see if it's there.

Dry Cleaning and Tony Bennett

I just got off the phone with my husband. This is the conversation we just had (as best I can remember it):

Him - I just picked up my jacket at the dry cleaners. How can you tell if they've actually dry cleaned something?

Me - Does it look like someone used their fingernail to scratch off the stain and then blew the dust off?

Him - Yes. I think I just got hosed.

Me - I'm not too worried about it. You look good in anything.

Him - Maybe I won't wear it. Maybe I won't wear anything at all.

Me - That would make a statement. Is that the statement you want to make during GMA week? (Note - GMA week is Gospel Music Association week where my husband has to attend events and showcases for his job. This is the reason he needed the jacket dry cleaned in the first place.)

Him - Maybe--but hey, it doesn't matter because--WE GOT TICKETS TO GO SEE TONY BENNETT AT THE RYMAN AUDITORIUM! (Note - we just purchased tickets today for the Tony Bennett concert and we are still in disbelief that he is coming to Nashville.) OK, someone is on the other line--gotta go.

Me - Love you, bye.

Do you think that Sprint has any idea that these are the conversations that take place when they offer free minutes between Sprint subscribers?