No Spiders Allowed

Thoughts from the Mind of An Arachnophobic Brunette

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Phone Call From God?



I "accidentally" came across a bible verse today (I really don't think these things happen by accident). It said, "A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing." (Proverbs 17:22). It sort of felt like getting a phone call from God. I'm not sure, but I think He just called me up and told me to "snap out of it". So, I'm gonna try.

More good news: My physical therapist is going to work with me to help me do my therapy on my own in conjunction with my 20 visits so that I don't have to go into debt over my knee or fall short on my therapy.

I had a good night's sleep last night. I feel strong and determined. I hate this leg brace. I hate these crutches. I hate the fact that I am not who I normally am, so I decided the only thing I can do is take charge of the situation and come back stronger from this.

It's going to hurt. It's going to suck. It's going to be a HUGE uphill battle. However, I will survive. I will come back stronger from this. I will not let this thing beat me.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wake Me Up When Life Stops Sucking

It's not bad enough to worry about trying to heal correctly after an injury.

It's not bad enough to have to pay a co-pay to your insurance every time you go to the doctor or go to physical therapy.

I now come to find out that my insurance will only cover 20 visits of physical therapy annually, which, if done as they were planning to prescribe, would use up most of my visits before I ever had surgery and would still leave about 36 more visits for me to pay 100% out of my own pocket.

Fabulous. Now I get to choose whether I want to go into debt over my knee or just not have the appropriate amount of physical therapy.

Ugh. I feel nauseous. I just want to go to sleep and have someone just wake me up when life stops sucking.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Razors and Tampons



Okay, so 2008 has pretty much sucked so far. Let's recap, shall we?

People were let go at my company. My husband's job is hanging in the balance. I took a vacation hoping to de-stress and tore my ACL and my MCL while skiing (which means I will need surgery and will be on crutches for weeks). My sister-in-law has been diagnosed with lymphoma. Finally, last night, I went to the memorial service of my 30 something year old friend who died giving birth to her daughter--her first child--leaving her husband a widower and the baby in critical care.

I give up. I surrender. I can't take any more.

Tonight we stopped by Target and my husband went inside to do some shopping for me while I waited in the car. I needed two things: 1) an electric razor to make shaving my legs a little easier since I can't stand (that's right, I can't stand--did I mention that life sucks?) and 2) tampons (because getting my period right about now is pretty much the icing on the cake).

My sweet husband stood there in Target, on his cell phone, and discussed with me the pros and cons of all of the feminine electric razors on the shelf and then, after discussing contouring and shave closeness, proceeded to the tampon aisle to try to find the exact brand of tampon I was looking for (again, discussing details via cell phone in a crowded store).

He then stood in line and paid for the Remington Smooth & Silky Titanium razor along with the Tampax Pearl tampons. He said he had a male check-out clerk. He only smiled at the ridiculousness of the situation as he handed me my bag.

Life sucks, but every now and then, an act of kindness (and a little humor in life) can still bring a smile to your face.

Things are going to get better, right?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

R.I.P. Suzanne

A friend of mine died yesterday giving birth to her daughter due to complications in childbirth. They think it was possibly a blood clot.

She was younger than me. Married the same year I got married.

I think of her, sitting happily at her baby shower, young, talented, and thinking she had a lifetime ahead of her to raise her daughter.

When her husband was asked last night what anyone could do to help, he just said, "Hold the people you love close to you."

I think that is good advice for us all.

R.I.P. Suzanne. You will be missed.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Thoughts From the Couch




Well, it has been exactly one week since my "crash". As I lie here, typing, with an ice bag on my knee, I have several thoughts that go through my mind.

1 - I can't believe how tired I am. After lying around all day (only getting up to go to the bathroom a few times), I am exhausted. I sleep like the dead all night long. I am cutting back on the Vicodin, so I don't think that is why I sleep so much. I think my body must be trying really hard to fix what is broken. My poor knee.

2 - I fantasize multiple times a day about skiing. I think about the crash itself. I imagine how the trip would have gone if I hadn't fallen. I imagine how future trips will go. My palms still sweat at the thought of attempting to ski but it's like a battle that I must fight. I can't let this thing beat me. I refuse to let this fear stop me in my tracks. The first time that I ski successfully down even the easiest beginner's slope somewhere will be a sweet victory. We need to buy a bottle of champagne for that day.

3 - Other than my knee, I am a normal, healthy woman who is usually pretty active. I hate being unable to just hop in the car and go to Target if I want to. I want to go to work. I want to go to the gym. I want to walk my dogs. I want to be able to stand up and play Guitar Hero if I want. This is going to get really old really fast. Life is too short to be stuck on a couch. The idea of getting showered, putting on makeup, getting dressed and going out is such a sweet thought. I don't ever think I will take the process for granted again. I am writing this so I won't.

4 - I am chomping at the bit to move forward. Give me physical therapy. I don't care how much it hurts. Just let do something to start healing. It will probably feel good to moan in agony a little bit. At least I will feel like I am working towards a goal. Give me surgery. Fix what is broken. Let's get this show on the road. I want to come out of this even stronger than I was before. Just sitting here doing nothing and waiting for the swelling in my knee to cease just feels so--pointless.

5 - I have a fear of an addiction to prescription painkillers. I know this isn't going to be an easy journey. I know I am going to have to push past the physical pain to heal. I know this will require some pain meds. However, I've seen addiction to painkillers first hand. I have a family member dealing with it now. I don't want to have a dependency. I don't know what it would feel like to crave another pill, but I don't want to. So I choose discomfort over a regularly scheduled numbing that would be so much easier and sweeter.

6 - I've said it before and I'll say it again. My husband is a saint. He helps me without a single complaint. He smiles and keeps a great attitude. He helps me to dress. He gets me food. He does every single household chore because I can't. He cooks for me. He puts ice in my ice bag over and over and over again. He pours my coffee just the way I like it. He puts in a new DVD for me every time I finish one. (I'm now on season three of Grey's Anatomy. I must have watched 20 episodes in the last few days.) My biggest frustration is the guilt that I feel having to disrupt his life in such a big way. He's a good egg. He shouldn't have to deal with this all day, every day. Caretakers are the silent victims.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Feelings on this Valentine's Day





My knee is swollen larger than I ever thought humanly possible.

I am pissed off that I injured myself.

I am sad that I missed most of my ski trip.

I am impressed with my friends and proud that I have such good ones. (True colors come out in times of need.)

I feel ugly--my whole leg is swollen and nasty.

My husband is a saint.

I am happy that this is injury is fixable.

I hurt.

I feel lucky and loved to have people checking on me and helping me.

I am frustrated that I can't go to the Y right now.

Vicodin rocks.

I want to turn back time and have a chance for a "do over".

I can't believe I had to spend Valentine's Day in a doctor's office.

I hope Valentine's Day is better next year. Hopefully, I will be skiing.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Life Dishes Out the Unexpected Sometimes




Well, here I am at the Heavenly ski resort in Nevada. The weather is gorgeous. The views are spectacular.

However, there is one thing that I didn't really prepare for...an injury.

The possibility of an injury was so far from my mind, that I didn't even put my medical insurance cards in the pocket of my coat.

Sunday, after several hours of fabulous skiing, I followed after one of my friends onto one of the intermediate slopes. It was a little steeper than most of the intermediate slopes had been that day, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. I had skied more difficult trails than this one before.

With one friend in front of me and my husband behind me, I began to make my way down the trail.

Then, something happened.

It all happened so fast that I don't really even know what happened. Maybe I hit a patch of ice. Maybe I just lost control for a moment for no good reason. In any case, I went down. (My palms are actually sweating a little just thinking about it again.) I tumbled fast and furious. I felt my right ski pop off and then as I flipped around, I felt my left ski make contact with the mountain.

For some reason (that still remains a mystery at this moment), my left ski did not pop off.

My body kept twisting and I felt a horrible twist on my knee. My body had come to a stop on the side of the mountain and I knew something was terribly wrong with my knee. I heard my husband yell out asking if I was okay, but he already knew by the fact that I wasn't getting up, that something was drastically wrong. I yelled out an emphatic "No!" to answer him and I heard him yell to our other friend in front of us to get help.

As I waited with my husband for help to arrive, a nice woman with some medical training stopped to wait with us and helped set up x's in the snow with our skis to signal that a skier was down. She had mentioned that on the particular trail that we were on, she had witnessed two skiers actually crash and die on that same trail the previous year and that the trail fluctuates between an intermediate and expert trail depending on conditions. Somehow, even though I was lying there in pain, that little bit of information made me feel a little better. A small victory in that I had survived where others hadn't and that it was a difficult trail.

So, after getting a brace on my leg, I took a trip down the mountain on a rescue sled towed first by skiers and then by a snowmobile and then I was taken to the emergency clinic.

The first thing I noticed was how many people were in there wearing ski gear. One gentleman had a fractured shoulder. Another guy had a bloody bandage wrapped around his head. Battered skiers were everywhere. The guy who drove me to the clinic told me not to be too frustrated with myself. This was a rite of passage of sorts. Most skiers injure themselves one way or another. I was now part of that club.

Hours passed. My swollen knee was poked and prodded. I painfully posed for multiple x-rays. Finally, I left the clinic with a knee brace, crutches, some serious pain medication and a recommendation to make an appointment with a local specialist to get an MRI.

The good news is, it appears that nothing is broken. The bad news is that it is suspected that I am suffering from at least a partial tear of something in my knee. Other bad news-- there is no way I am going to be able to ski for the rest of the trip. That part of it hurts the most of all.

Despite my injury, I am making the best of it. Last night, I still had a wonderful steak dinner with my friends. We watched some of the Grammy awards on TV and then a Queen concert on DVD. We ate, we sang, we laughed and raised our glasses. Between the wine, the pain meds and company of my dear, sweet friends and husband, I can honestly say that despite the injury, I still feel like I am on vacation.

My friends and husband are just great. Everyone has really come around to help me and comfort me. My poor husband barely slept through the night last night as the slightest move on my part immediately woke him and had him asking if I was okay.

Everyone has been so helpful--bringing me food, refilling my drinks, helping to lift my leg while adjusting my brace. This morning one of my friends even put on my long johns over his (with one leg that got cut off at the emergency clinic) as a tribute to me. It was a ridiculous sight, but it made me laugh.

Well, I can definitely chalk this one up to experience and for providing me with a good story. It also goes to show that with a good support team, you can end up having a good time no matter where you are and no matter what the situation.

Lastly, on the bright side, I have a year to heal, train and get back out there on the slopes again. I will ski again. I plan to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back out there. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I plan to put that theory to the test.

Friday, February 08, 2008

My Tribute


Above - Me, Steamboat Springs, Colorado, February 2007, in a moment of bliss.


My Tribute to Skiing

by C.S. (Non Blond)

Outside my window
Is a sea of white
I pull on my long johns
tug my hat on tight

I snap my boot bindings
And clomp down the stairs,
Grab my skis to go out
Feel the burst of cold air

Riding the lift
Can be painfully slow
All I desire
Is to be in the snow

As we get to the top
My heart skips a beat
We lift up the bar
And I get off the seat

I've waited so long
I've been waiting all year
It's been 12 long months
But I'm finally here.

Eight hours of heaven
Is about to begin
Under my face mask
Is a great, big grin

As I swish down the trail
And the wind hits my face
I forget any problems
They've all been erased

The trees are so pretty
You'd swear they've been dipped
In a great big bowl
Of cream that's been whipped

Eat a big lunch
Need food for power
When burning three hundred
Calories per hour

When the sun goes down
Sore muscles are rubbed
While snow falls on us
In the steaming hot tub

Advil then wine
Shower then sleep
Snow is still falling
As I begin counting sheep

I don't want it to end
But that's just me
Do you now understand
Why I love to ski?


See you when I return...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Above - Julia Mancuso making me covet her thighs.



Since January 1st...


I've spent countless hours on the elliptical machine, I've been weight training, and I am down ten pounds. Instead of longing to wear a supermodel size, I now feel pangs of jealousy when I see the muscular legs of the women's ski team on TV. (Seriously. They look like they can crush a coconut with their thighs. That rocks.)


In Recent Days...

I've been reading ski magazines, watching shows I Tivo'd on skiing technique, stretching, still hitting the gym almost daily. I suspect I may have made the discovery that I actually have butt muscles (someone alert National Geographic or the Science Channel--this is groundbreaking).


Tonight...

I rode five miles on the exercise bike and did 50 squats (heck yeah, I said 50). More stretching.


Two Days Till I Leave to Ski and Just One More Work-Out to Go...

New mountain. New trails. New challenges. I've never worked so hard before a ski trip in my life--so is it stupid that I'm a little bit nervous (although excited) now that it's almost here?

What if I didn't work hard enough? What if I get to a black diamond trail and it threatens to kick my butt? What if my pasty-whiteness scares my friends in the hot-tub? (Yeah, that part of it is probably going to be a problem no matter what. I just need to accept that.)

What it boils down to is this: When real life is filled with tornadoes, threats of job layoffs, taxes, and other stresses, sometimes preparing to take on a real mountain can really be a nice distraction from one's own real life "mountain" of crap.

Plus, I really would like to earn legs like Julia Mancuso's...


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Southern Living in February

I grew up in Pennsylvania before moving to Tennessee. I've lived here for almost nine years of my adult life. However, it still surprises me that:

-- I can experience a 70 degree day in February. (Today).

-- I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting for tornadoes to pass. (Seriously. It's February. Where is the snow?)

-- That I can get a pedicure in February and know that people will see it.



By the way, this is what you get when your husband is out of town, you are home alone and trapped in your bedroom because of tornadoes passing through and you have a new MacBook with a built in camera.

You get pictures of freshly painted toes.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Happy Superbowl Sunday!



It is 8:30 on SuperBowl Sunday morning. I just went to let my dogs out and my next door neighbor is already cooking for tonight's game. The smoke is billowing out of his meat smoker and I see him out there tending to his food.

Don't you just love a day where everyone's biggest plans are devoted to eating and watching TV?

Now, please excuse me while I go check to be sure we have enough chips and dips and all ingredients for our nachos...

Friday, February 01, 2008

Punk Love

Some people receive flowers or candy at their office to remind them that they are loved.

I receive Circus Punks.

My sweet husband had these two delivered to my work today:





Flowers die. Candy just makes your jeans tighter.

Circus Punks are forever.

I love my husband. He makes me smile.