Thoughts From the Couch

Well, it has been exactly one week since my "crash". As I lie here, typing, with an ice bag on my knee, I have several thoughts that go through my mind.

1 - I can't believe how tired I am. After lying around all day (only getting up to go to the bathroom a few times), I am exhausted. I sleep like the dead all night long. I am cutting back on the Vicodin, so I don't think that is why I sleep so much. I think my body must be trying really hard to fix what is broken. My poor knee.

2 - I fantasize multiple times a day about skiing. I think about the crash itself. I imagine how the trip would have gone if I hadn't fallen. I imagine how future trips will go. My palms still sweat at the thought of attempting to ski but it's like a battle that I must fight. I can't let this thing beat me. I refuse to let this fear stop me in my tracks. The first time that I ski successfully down even the easiest beginner's slope somewhere will be a sweet victory. We need to buy a bottle of champagne for that day.

3 - Other than my knee, I am a normal, healthy woman who is usually pretty active. I hate being unable to just hop in the car and go to Target if I want to. I want to go to work. I want to go to the gym. I want to walk my dogs. I want to be able to stand up and play Guitar Hero if I want. This is going to get really old really fast. Life is too short to be stuck on a couch. The idea of getting showered, putting on makeup, getting dressed and going out is such a sweet thought. I don't ever think I will take the process for granted again. I am writing this so I won't.

4 - I am chomping at the bit to move forward. Give me physical therapy. I don't care how much it hurts. Just let do something to start healing. It will probably feel good to moan in agony a little bit. At least I will feel like I am working towards a goal. Give me surgery. Fix what is broken. Let's get this show on the road. I want to come out of this even stronger than I was before. Just sitting here doing nothing and waiting for the swelling in my knee to cease just feels so--pointless.

5 - I have a fear of an addiction to prescription painkillers. I know this isn't going to be an easy journey. I know I am going to have to push past the physical pain to heal. I know this will require some pain meds. However, I've seen addiction to painkillers first hand. I have a family member dealing with it now. I don't want to have a dependency. I don't know what it would feel like to crave another pill, but I don't want to. So I choose discomfort over a regularly scheduled numbing that would be so much easier and sweeter.

6 - I've said it before and I'll say it again. My husband is a saint. He helps me without a single complaint. He smiles and keeps a great attitude. He helps me to dress. He gets me food. He does every single household chore because I can't. He cooks for me. He puts ice in my ice bag over and over and over again. He pours my coffee just the way I like it. He puts in a new DVD for me every time I finish one. (I'm now on season three of Grey's Anatomy. I must have watched 20 episodes in the last few days.) My biggest frustration is the guilt that I feel having to disrupt his life in such a big way. He's a good egg. He shouldn't have to deal with this all day, every day. Caretakers are the silent victims.