Day 33 - Post Surgery - A Step Forward?

Okay, I've been waiting for this day.

The day when I finally feel like I have truly taken a giant step forward in my recovery. I think it has finally happened.

This weekend:

• I have switched to the brace that allows my knee to bend while I walk (although I still have to sleep in the straight brace at night). Switching to this new brace made my therapy yesterday afternoon SO much easier (although it is strange to have to rely on my knee now when I walk). It's amazing how much easier it is to bend my knee when it isn't locked all day in a straight position! I have a feeling that I am now going to be making some good "knee bending progress" in therapy. I am almost looking forward to going to therapy tomorrow. Almost.
  
  
• I was able to stand and sit through church (no kneeling--I have a feeling that kneeling is still in the distant future) instead of just sitting. I also got up for communion instead of having to have someone bring it to me. It felt great!
  
  
• I went to Costco with my husband to shop. I haven't really done much (maybe not any) shopping in the last 33 days. It felt good to go through the motion of shopping again (even if it was just for a 30-pack of low-calorie breakfast bars).
  
  
• I went upstairs in my house for the first time since February 8th (the day before we left for the ski trip). Most of what I need in my home is downstairs. The only thing in the upstairs of our house is a loft, another bathroom, an office and a spare bedroom. My laptop and bills have been downstairs since my accident, so I haven't really needed to go upstairs. However, yesterday, I climbed the 15 stairs to get some stamps and envelopes. It was a triumphant moment!
  
  
• And last, but not least, after all of this walking around, going to church, shopping, stair climbing, etc, etc, I expected a very swollen knee. Although it was a little tender last night, I noticed that I can now see what appears to be the shape of a kneecap starting to appear. I think the swelling has actually decreased.
  
  

I don't think I really truly believed it before this weekend, but I think (I hope) that I might actually get to enjoy most of this summer. It might even be time for a little post-surgery pedicure. I think the tides are finally starting to turn. Maybe now I am finally getting to the "good" part of 2008.

It's about time.

Day 28 - Post Sugery - Overcoming Fear?

Here are a few eye opening statements I came across today while doing a little ACL research online:

• ....but resuming normal physical activity is more difficult after an ACL injury than any other injury, not only because of the stamina an athlete must regain, but more importantly, the psychological fear that plagues an athlete with a reconstructed ACL.
  
  
• ....because once the ACL is torn, it can always be reconstructed, but the athlete is rarely the same psychologically.
  
  
• "World-class skiers have the highest ACL injury rates and they’re the some of the best trained and the strongest athletes.”
  
  
• “Some of the most valuable instruction that skiers can receive, is how to correctly fall,” “It’s important for skiers at all levels to acknowledge that occasionally, they’re going to go down. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

So, it's normal to be scared (Good, I'm already scared and I thought I was crazy--that's part of the reason I was doing this research), I'm going to fall again (I was really hoping to avoid that) and I'll never be able to get past this psychologically (great).

So what do you do?

What do you do when you are standing on that line between "can't wait to do it again" and "my palms are sweating just thinking about putting on skis again"? I guess that all along I assumed that as more time passed since my injury and as I started to feel more and more normal again, I would start to lose my fear.

I guess fear is good. Hopefully, it will make me a little more cautious and help me NOT to re-injure myself. I really just hope that it doesn't rob me of the joy I normally feel when skiing. I don't think it will. I think I will get past this to some degree. As new as the injury was during my first trip to the emergency center immediately following my fall, I was still hoping that there was some way they could shoot me up with something so that I could continue to ski on the rest of the trip (before realizing the extent of my injury). I guess if I was wanting to ski then, I probably will still want to ski 10 months from now.

Any other ACL reconstruction people out there have any experience with fear following your injury?

Day 27 - Post Surgery - What's Going on Inside?

Well, I'm beginning my 4th week after surgery.

My big challenges right now are that I still have some swelling around the knee and I am having some trouble getting it to bend more than about 100 degrees. They seem to be pretty pleased with how straight I can extend it, so at least that is one thing that I have going for me!

Today, I got to try a machine for the first time that would bend and straighten my knee over and over again. It was a little strange to experience that at first. Okay, I'll admit, it was downright scary. (I kept thinking that if that machine didn't stop in one direction or the other, it wasn't going to be pretty.) However, after the first few bends, I relaxed and let the machine do the work for me. As my knee loosened up, they adjusted it by a few degrees and then a few more, and after about 20 minutes, I had probably increased my knee bend by about about 10 degrees. I was so impressed by my progress, I asked to do it again next time!

I spent some extra time at therapy today doing leg lifts with weights, using the weight machine, bike, treadmill, calf raises, hamstring curls, stretches in addition to my new "knee bender".

I finished off with electrodes on my knee (to help with swelling and pain) and a nice big sleeve of ice around my knee. (Aaaaaaahhhhhhh, that's my favorite part of therapy.)

One thing that really hit home today was spawned by my frustration at my own progress. I was complaining that I wished I was moving along a little faster than I am. My therapist turned to me and said, "Your scars are small due to advancements in technology, but one thing you have to remember is that you have had MAJOR SURGERY on your knee, even though it doesn't appear that way on the outside."

Wow, isn't that the truth for most things? What you see on the outside, or what appears to be going on, isn't necessarily what is really going on inside? That's the case when other people judge us, when we judge ourselves and when judge other people.

As strange as it sounds, I really think I am getting a lot out of this experience. I'm learning patience, endurance, strength, tolerance, dependence, trust--and the list goes on.

It's odd, but I think I will walk away from all of this with a lot more than just a reconstructed ACL.

Non-Surgical Ipod Blog

Since it's the weekend, it's time for a fun, non-surgery related blog inspired by my good friend, Eccentric Blonde.

My husband and I bought each other iPods for Christmas about 4 years ago.  Our lives have never been the same.  It's amazing how much joy can come from one little device.

So here you go: I love my iPod and here is my blog about it. Enjoy!


Basic Info:

Total Length:
~10,395 songs

First & Last Songs (sorted by title):
~ A-Hole - Bowling for Soup
~ 10538 Overture - Def Leppard

Shortest & Longest Songs:
~Untitled - Pete Yorn (4 seconds)

~Better Man - Oasis (38:03)

First & Last Albums (by title):
~ A.J. Swearingen - A.J. Swearingen
~ 7800 Degrees Fahrenheit - Bon Jovi

First & Last Artist:
~ A.J. Swearingen
~ .38 Special

Top 5 Most Played Songs: 

Disclaimer - Since I bought a new computer within the last few months and my iTunes had been re-set, this is only a representation of what I've been listening to since January, and that has been limited since my accident and my iPod has mostly been on "shuffle".  The "most played" song has only been played 3 times.

~ Help! - The Beatles

~Yellow Submarine - The Beatles

~You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi

~Over You - Daughtry

~You Got Lucky - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers


Search for the following words. How many songs show up?
~Sex: 19
~Death: 7
~Love: 726
~You: 1370
~Home: 84
~Boy: 99
~Girl: 139

First 5 songs that come up on Party Shuffle:
~ Get It On, Bang a Gong - Power Station
~ Give A Little Bit - Goo Goo Dolls
~ I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
~ Any Way You Want It - Journey
~ Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet


Now for the questions:

The Rules:
1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. Press forward for each question
3. Use the song title as the answer to your question
4. NO CHEATING

Q: What does the next year have in store for you?
A: Time To Surrender - Winger
~That sounds about right...

Q: What does your love life look like next year?
A: Smile - Tony Bennett
~I like that...

Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
A: Love Stinks - J. Geils Band
~That's hilarious.

Q: Song that reminds you of the good times?
A: Doll by Foo Fighters

Q: What do you think of when you get up in the morning?
A: Rock Me Tonight by Billy Squier

Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
A: Passion by Rod Stewart

Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
A: Migra by Santana

Q: Your favorite saying?
A: Hey Mister, That's Me Up On the Jukebox by James Taylor
~Hmmm, interesting

Q: Favorite place?
A:. Amsterdam by Coldplay
~That's really weird that an actual location came up on this one...

Q: Most missed memory?
A: Hey Hey by Eric Clapton
~That makes no sense.

Q: What song describes your best friend?
A: Spirits In the Material World by The Police

Q: What song describes your ex?
A: Woke Up This Morning by Nickelback

Q: Where would you go on your first date?
A: 1999 by Prince
~Not sure if that's really a location...

Q: Drug of choice?
A: It's Killing Me by dc Talk.

Q: What song best describes you?
A: Vogue by Madonna
~Okay, THAT's funny.

Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
A: Drift and Die by Puddle of Mudd
~Wow, rather negative, huh?

Q: What song best describes the president?
A: You Sure Look Good in My Shirt by Keith Urban
~Wow, didn't expect that one.

Q: Where will you be in ten years?
A: Love Me Do by The Beatles

Q: Your love life right now?
A: My Immortal by Evanescence

Q: What is your state of mind at the moment?
A: You're Crazy by Guns N Roses

Q: How will you die?
A: Move Along by The All American Rejects

Now it's your turn. What are you listening to?

Day 20 - Post Surgery, Emotions

Accomplishment - I am "walking" without any crutches today. (It's more like limping when you have a leg brace on and you can't bend your knee).  Whatever it is that I'm doing--it feels good to be without crutches.

Frustration - It's been almost 3 weeks since my surgery and it has been seven weeks since my injury on the ski slopes.  Seven weeks.  It feels like it has been 6 months.  I never realized that time could go so slow.

Impatience - I'm starting to get antsy now that the weather is getting nice.  I really want to be at the point where I am encouraged to go for a walk instead of encouraged to stay off of my knee to keep the swelling down.  My dogs miss their leashes.  I miss being outdoors.

Perspective - I've met a bunch of people at physical therapy.  (Sort of like jail, I guess, there's a lot of -- "What are you in for?")  One gentleman who sticks in my mind the most is a guy who was in a car accident last June.  Both of his legs were broken and crushed.  He still comes to therapy several times per week and is now able to walk with a cane.  He has big scars on his legs from the surgeries.  He comes in and works really hard.  When I see him, it makes me realize that it could be so much worse.  I am inspired by his attitude, determination and persistence.

Excitement - This will be my last week of going to therapy twice a week.  Next week, I will start going once per week and they will start giving me tasks that I can do at the YMCA.  I can't wait to go back to the Y!  My therapist said that as long as I continue to make the appropriate progress on my own (he will measure my progress every week) he will allow me to substitute some time at the Y so I can extend my PT visits for a few weeks.  (My insurance company only wants to pay for 20 visits).  

Compassion - My therapist told me at my last visit that I shouldn't worry that I only have 20 visits.  He said that they will not let me go before I am ready even if they have to allow me a few visits as a loss on their part.

Support/Humor - One of my new therapy exercises is to roll myself along in a chair with wheels on it.  I don't have a chair with wheels on it on the first floor of my house, so I have to do it at work.  Today, I had a train of people following in their own chairs, scooting along down the hall behind me.

Confusion - When stepping down from a step, step down onto braced leg.  When stepping up, step up with good leg.  If you try to do it the opposite way, you will come really close to falling.  I found this out the hard way.  Walking shouldn't be this tough.

Exhaustion - I now see what inactivity will do to a person.  I am tired all the time and I don't do much of anything other than my physical therapy.  My energy level has definitely decreased.  I can't wait to get active again to get my energy back.  This is ridiculous.

Gratitude - I see love in everything my husband does for me.  Whether it is the 278th load of laundry he is doing without my help, or grocery shopping or filling up my ice container for my knee--again--or just bringing me my morning coffee, I can tell he cares and I am SO grateful.

Day 15 - Post Surgery

Well, I have to say, it's been a rough week.

I'm making progress on the knee (I've returned to work, I'm driving again, I'm down to "walking" with the leg brace and one crutch). However, last night, after I did my therapy, I noticed for the first time just how pathetic my leg muscles look in my injured leg. My thigh and calf muscles look like they belong in the leg of someone else.

Is this really my leg? Is this really the leg that I used to ski on? The leg I trained on the leg press before my ski trip? The leg that could ride the exercise bike or use the elliptical like there was no tomorrow? It sure doesn't look that way. I have to wonder--just how long will it take for my legs to "match" again? Will I look "unmatched" for a while, or will most of my muscle tone come back by the end of 12 weeks of therapy? Again, I think it begins to sink in just how much work I have ahead of me.

Then, today, there were layoffs at my husband's company. He managed to avoid being cut, but it was a sad day for him and the friends he lost. All day, I've felt a combination of relief, sadness, disbelief, joy and grief. I'm exhausted.

2008 continues to be a rough year. I'm hoping I'm getting most of my rough days out of the way early in the year and maybe the second half of this year will be amazing. I'm going to hold on to that hope.

And dang it--one day, I will have nice legs. Nice, strong, evenly matched legs.